To clean up or just move. This is the question.
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.