To clean up or just move. This is the question.

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this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows


I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.


Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.


People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”


Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.


[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?


vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?


On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.