To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
me after eating Cheetos
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”