To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]