My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
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Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
R.I.P.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets