To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️