To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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Good morning.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
the last thing a carrot sees
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
In Canada they just call them geese
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work