To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Saturday
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Go hard or stay average
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE