Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.