Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

I’ve been drinking.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

We made a comic about a space heater.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!