to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.