*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
this is the news I live for
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers