To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
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[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My favorite female superhero
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly