To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]