Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Realize this:

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.