Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

🐕🍷

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

accurate

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard