Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

🤭

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

When I snag the last meatball.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”