‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.