To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Cat or sheep
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
WTF IS THAT!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.