To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Shoo shoo! 😂
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus