Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*