Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?