me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job