Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe