Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.