“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Home #decor warning.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!