“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
✨☝️✨
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.