“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Bear
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
this chia pet tastes awful
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
this article brought to you by lions
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.