Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

spot the difference

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

True.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

Good morning.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.