Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

courtroom exchange of the day

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

This is true.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically