Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

my proudest tweet

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]