To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great