To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
How to find Kentucky on a map
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!