To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids