To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
That’s amazing.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Oops 🤭
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.