To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero