To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad