My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
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When someone trying to leave me
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.