To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.

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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*


4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop


Apparently I negotiate with terrorists


My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone


*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime


I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.


If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?