To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
*weighs self after shaving
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
BETRAYAL
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
this has done me in for some reason
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.