To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Doggies just call it style.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.