To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Chicago sounds lovely.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.