To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.