Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

5 ways to appear taller

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering