To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
finally
it’s either covid or clever vampires
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”