To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks