Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.