Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

bears

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

❤️❤️❤️

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”