To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*