Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.