To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
🤣😂🤣😂
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.