To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You Might Also Like
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.