To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
What’s this sorcery? 😂
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.