To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
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Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.