Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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#NationalGirlfriendDay

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.