To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Monday Lisa
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there