To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Lmao
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.