to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me too door. Me too.
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.