to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
All right then, keep your secrets
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything