To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’m sure it’s fine.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.