To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Hot Hot Hot
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
mathematically impossible
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.