To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.