Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.