Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Every work call, he judges.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.