To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
fr
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?