To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
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Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Things will get butter, keep churning
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
So creative 😂
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.