Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for the Charmin

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Britain be like

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.