To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.