To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
You Might Also Like
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Miscakes
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.