To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person