To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…