Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.