Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

Pigeon open mic night.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.