To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
