To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.