Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.