To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Sharon, call the vet
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
this is funnier than any friends episode
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”