Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Life cycle of cat

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star