to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
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That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
three things we don’t talk about
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine![]()
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An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Quadruple digit IQ
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*