Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I beg you to euthanise me

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

thoughts?

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.